With Mercury in Retrograde until March 28th (and feeling the shadow aspects of this through April 16th), please remember to be extra conscious about your communications.
As womxn, we crave communication. And yet, we often find ourselves in situations where we ignore our desire to connect and communicate or we close off. And the Truth is, it is not our fault.
I just read an article last night about babies and children. They don’t know how to self-regulate. They don’t know how to articulate all of their emotions nor how to label exactly what they are feeling. It is up to the parent or caregiver to teach this and to offer, as the Author noted, a way to co-regulate.
So, if you didn’t grow up with a parent (or parents) who taught you to understand all of your feelings, to honor them, to tune IN, and then learn how to communicate effectively, then this has to become something you feel inspired and passionate about teaching yourself.
On top of that, as womxn, we have both the feminine and sisterhood wound. Meaning that we are navigating the suppression of Self + our mistrust with other womxn in our communication experiences.
This puts us in a wobbly situation (and then insert Mercury Retrograde) to be really great Communicators, especially when triggered or our wounds have been niggled.
how to communicate without trauma
explosions, tips and support
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TIPS
I would Love to share some tips/tools for effective Communication. These might come easily to you or they may take a lot of effort. But when you use these skills, you will see a shift in your relating capacities.
And after all, that is what we all want, right? To relate and feel intimacy with others. That comes through our modes of Communication.
Let’s talk about when you are triggered.
Say that your partner or friend has done something that hurts you.
What happens is that your trauma kicks in and either your fight or flight response or your freeze response activates. You begin either running away from the person or experience (not literally but emotionally) or collapsing in overwhelm, fear or panic.
And you react. You point the finger. You make them wrong and “other”. You need to validate your feelings to keep you safe, and so the logical step is to blame the other person.
You also put a whole lotta projections about the other person on to them. You make assumptions. And by the time you are done, whatever action has triggered this process has now escalated through your own filter of life experience and understanding.
You have created your version of REALITY.
Not based in Truth, but based on your imprints.
Then of course the other person’s wounds and traumas get triggered and all of a sudden, you are duking it out with your 4 year old self and their 7 year old self.
So, what to do instead?
Titration is the act of taking only a tiny piece of your response to deal with – a VERY tiny piece – and leaving the rest for another time. You direct how much you process at one time, in a very deliberate way.
Titration tells the nervous system: “You now have all the time you need to process what happened.” This sends you into a state of knowing that you have the time to move through sensations one at a time. This tells the mind “The emotions are important. Stop and listen and wait. Listen longer. Make space, make room, make time for the emotions. The body is important. Stop and listen and wait. Listen longer. Make space, make room, make time for the body.”
Somatic Experiencing therapy talks about “titration” as an important concept for healing from trauma. When you titrate, and move slowly, you move out of a state of reaction when communicating.
2. BE VULNERABLE & SHARE YOUR FEELINGS
I think this is something we all WANT to do, but is incredibly scary to actually do. It asks you to step out and be seen, to be heard, and truthfully, to a fractured system, take a risk. But vulnerability generally always leads to deeper intimacy with Self and/or with another.
Rather than make an assumption about another or withhold your thoughts and feelings, why not create a space where you can meet heart to heart and you can share from your most tender heart? Yes, you might stumble with your words. Yes, you might want to throw up beforehand! But connecting with your Truth and Courage is worth it all. And will cut down on the entire processing time of the whole experience. The realness of you is present and felt and opens space within the realms of communication.
3. BE MINDFUL OF YOUR PROJECTIONS
Your projections of another are a distraction from the pain and discomfort you are feeling. Without communicating with the person you feel hurt with, you are making entire stories about who they are and why they make the choices they do. When in actuality, you really do not know why a person has acted or made certain decisions. There is so much going on for people (internally and externally) that you may not be privy to on a day to day basis. Projection is a false way that your system makes you safe and feeling “better than” another.
As soon as you feel hurt and project on to another “who they really are”, take a pause. Breathe. Titrate (#1). Bring it back to your feelings, your wounds, your triggers. This is the gold. Emotional and spiritual maturity asks you to take responsibility for all that you feel, even the feelings that bring shame. Your projections are assumptions, based on your wound. See if you can spot these and turn the finger inward to your own process.
4. FLOWER ESSENCES
There are many Flower Essences that can help with your communication skills. Some are just for the momentum of speaking and others work more deeply on the reasons why you close off or collapse, react or feel wounds of abandonment or betrayal. Below are just a few of a big list!
This essence is indicated for personal relationship work when you want to soften your spoken word so that rather than being argumentative (or speaking from wound), you are full of Grace to dialogue and relate with compassion.
Offers Courage for those moments when you must speak the hard things or feel the pain of your heart.
Keeps your emotional body soft and fluid so that you can stay connected to yourself and others. Marshmallow is an extraordinary essence for softening or dissolving the emotional armor that you wear, keeping you distanced from your own happiness and truth.
This is a catalyzing and releasing essence that helps to move out anger, resentment, and closures around the heart that are blocking you from feeling open to love, forgiveness or intimacy.
I do hope all of this helps you.
Sending Love and Grace to you for all of the potent communications you will have. May you know how important and valid your feelings and sharings are.